Unsettled

I feel unsettled today… wondering which way to go, how to proceed, how to parse the publishing business with the sense of call to ministry, and how/if this relationship will both grow and fit into whatever the choice is.

Of course, there’s the possibility that a choice never needs to be made – that I can sustain both a thriving business and some form of lay ministry that doesn’t require I give up anything.

But I get the sense that that is serving two masters… and I don’t know if I have it in me to do that.

And… there is the question of memory. Do I have the mental ability to go back to school? Can I retain enough to pass tests? And after that – would I have the mental ability to serve people, remember their details, help them?

And of course there is the question of money. I am not making enough now to support myself; how can I possibly expect to have enough to go back to school?

I ask myself, why is this even on the table… there are no practical reasons to think about it. On paper it is a non-starter.

And yet.

Something keeps drawing me to think seriously about it. And then… wanting to find the path that works, maybe in lay ministry of some sort.

I worry that the paths available to me in the UU are limited – ministry, religious education, music, governance. I don’t know that what I want to do fits in anywhere, and that worries me a little too.

I know I want more. I want to serve. I want to preach. I want to heal. I want to answer God’s call.

I just don’t know what that is.

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